Should I Be a Stay at Home Mom: Steps for Making the Decision

Is it right for you?
Are you standing at the crossroads right now, reading this blog post and hoping for an answer to the questions looming in your head? "Should I stay home with my babies?" "How much of a sacrifice will this be?" "Will I regret my decision?" "What will people at work think?" "What will my family think, my husband?"
"Will my kids be too bored?" "Will I be able to do this every single day?" "What if I hate it?"

 Many moms wrestle with this question and career moms can actually be afraid to toy with the idea. I know because I was one!  

"In 2012, nearly 370,000 U.S. married stay-at-home mothers (with working husbands) had at least a master’s degree..." (pewresearch.org) 

This was me! I began my journey with the same kinds of questions as above.   I faced some criticism for making this choice to stay home; you may too., but that should never be a deciding factor.

Practical deciding factors do need to be studied. 

Financial Survival and Family Goals should be considered. These are really very important and you must decide to what degree you will tip the scales because for you, they not be as balanced as you'd like should you choose to stay home.

 
 Ask yourself what is important; you may decide you need a certain dollar amount to feel accomplished, do things you want, have things you want, etc. This was me for a long time! If you are a working mom now, you will for sure face an income reduction. 
 

 However, you may decide that money doesn't replace the investment you can make in your own children by having every day to influence and train them instead of them being trained by various people you don't really know in the world. You may decide that that is fine for you, but you more than like have already decided in your heart that your yearning is home with your little ones who look to you for guidance. This became me and my husband as well. God changed our hearts to be able to do what He wanted for our family.  

No one was more surprised than me! 

Maybe you have arrived at the same destination. Maybe that's why you were lead to this post. I hope I can be a help to you. 

My Journey

In the early spring of 2012, my husband and I began discussing the possibility of my staying at home with our Ava, soon to be one. I had gone back to teaching in August the same school year and had struggled all year with a deep desire that I needed to be home with her and not there. I felt so strongly that I was missing out on what I felt I should be doing- investing in my own child, training her, teaching her. It might be a sacrificial thing to be a teacher, but it is far more to be a stay-at-home mother, which I found out later and that of which I am still learning. 

When I ventured to mention this idea to my husband, at first, he was not okay with this. After all, I had been teaching significantly longer than he and therefore, to be a stay-at-home mom, we’d have to cut our income by two-thirds!  We would transition from an average of $70,000 a year income to well, $30,000 something. After talking to my husband about it for a few months and him praying about it, something scary happened!   

God changed my husband's heart. 

We prepared for me to stay home the next school year. Were we afraid? YES! Were we sure that is what God wanted for our family?  YES!  Were we hoping and praying and trusting that God would provide for us? YES!

Steps to Decision Making 

1. Talk to your Husband
2. Pray Together
3. Research
4. Prepare Financially


1.The first step to deciding whether or not this decision is right for your family is to talk to your husband. 

2. Secondly, pray together! Seek God’s direction for your family and make sure you are in God’s will. We believe it is God’s will for the mother to be in the home, teaching and training the children everyday all day if this is at all possible; and if that is what you believe and you have sought God's direction, receiving an answer, you can believe He will make it possible for you.

That doesn’t mean you can’t use your talents God has given you, the knowledge you have from your career and work from home either. We see in the Proverbs 31 passage that this stay-at-home mom indeed worked; she was very industrious. She made items and sold them and

“strength and dignity are her clothing”

. http://www.esvbible.org/Proverbs+31/   Hey, that’s pretty good!  A new breed is forming out there- Work From Home Moms! These moms work part-time at home while still being there actively  engaged in the training and teaching of their children. I happen to know several! In fact, I am one!

What about all the work I put into my career? 

I  was, as well as my parents, concerned at first about all the investment we had made into my career. I had attained a master’s degree as well. Would all be lost? Thankfully, God has been faithful to enable me to put to use the talents and training I have had in order to produce some income for my family.You would be surprised at what you can do with what you know and what you can learn when you're willing to strive to learn it.  
It's not like I waste my brain everyday. If there is a need for learning, as there should be for life long learning, you will find ways to invest yourself and be productive if you need that. 

3. Research! I wanted to compile this post for people like me who were looking and searching for an answer, a picture as to how it might look if we cut our income like we did. Every situation is different and sometimes we do things in life by faith- trusting in God's power, provision and love to help us do what He wants us to. God has provided for us. We have made a lot of sacrifices, naturally, but we have food every week and we pay our bills on time. Sometimes we have fun money!  

 There are ways to survive on one income. Let’s explore some:

           a.Look at or set up a budget. There are several helpful templates out there. Track what you spend compared to what you bring in for a couple of months. 

b.Look at what you don’t really need.  We decided we didn’t need a vehicle that had a payment attached. We didn’t need cable during the summer and we didn’t need anything but the lowest cable and internet package. Our cell phones are “dumb” and we don’t have data plans. Only my husband has texting. We also don’t pay a cell phone bill. Both of our phones are under our parents’ family plans. We pay them an average of $15 a month. That’s it! We use our phones as our only phone and so we don’t have a land line either. Our student loans- which were hefty- are now on a pay as you can basis. You can apply for the “income based” payment plan and that lowers your payments significantly.  We also refinanced our home.  Our mortgage payments reduced by over $200 a month!  In addition, we lowered our car insurance plans, which were ridiculously high. We also decided- and this was a hard one- that we don’t need vacations. Those really are a luxury.

c. Calculate what you will save by not working. Sound weird? When you're trying to figure out every penny to see if you'll survive after deciding to stay home, this acutally helps you find money. It’s also amazing how much money you will save not going to work. Calculate your gas, clothing expense, food expense and other that you spend to have a career. Don’t forget child care!  It is actually cheaper for me to stay home. I had a thirty-minute commute- an hour total a day. The gas was close to $400 a month for my car alone.  Now, I barely use even a third of that. 

d.Plan on practical ways to save and or make money to contribute if you can. Yard sales! Yard sales and consignment sales come twice a year- spring and fall. You can save hundreds for your family on clothes and baby products and children’s toys.  You can also resell your stuff and make money to cover what you buy. So in essence, you recycle your money and earn extra without spending what you don’t have!  Shop the drug stores too. Watch for sales and buy the products you know you’ll need when they’re on sale. Just be careful and do this within reason. If you have to spend $30 to get $4.00 in drugstore brand bucks and that takes money from your weekly grocery allowance so you have to use a credit card to cover groceries, that’s not helping you.  Sometimes you have to have a floating amount of income to be able to play the grocery store and drug store game. We don’t have that kind of income. So we have to get just what we need.

I know, you say, "Wait a minute! What are we going to do for fun if we have basically no money?"  Let's take a Side trip. 

Be reasonable. Depending on your situation, you may not be able to fund little classes for your kids (ie. music lessons, swim lessons, sports, etc.) That is a fantasy world that only a small percentage of stay-at-home moms have the luxury of experiencing. According to pewresearch.org, only 5% of stay at home moms with master's degrees had a working husband and an income of at least $75,000 a year. That means the rest of us are well... humbly thankful for what we can afford.

 Your investment is priceless and there are ways to have fun. Let’s explore some:

            a.Ask for season passes at Christmas for your family. Our family has an annual pass the local Aquariums and therefore, that opens us up to all the learning programs there too. My friend’s family had an annual pass to a Creative museum.

           b. Sign up for an event newsletter for your city that will highlight local children’s activities.

            c.Your local library most likely has free children’s activities once a week to once a month as well.

           d. Invest in play dates. Find a church to attend with moms like you. Befriend them and set up a play date once a week or once a month. It’s great for your kids and for you as well. 

4. Prepare Financially. If you have enough notice when making this decision, try to put up at least 3 months of income into savings.  It's difficult if you have to cut your income and it takes some time adjusting. While you're learning to cut things, cutting all at once is well...shocking.  IF you have some "spending cash" on hand, you can ease yourself off until you're adjusted to where you need to be and you don't want the things you used to. There are many things that are just not as important and not priorities for me now. It's more of a rush to find and save money for my family.  It makes me feel resourceful! 

 

 So, what does the world of stay at home moms really look like? Let's look at some statistics.

According to pewresearch.org, 


"Analysis of time-use diaries finds that mothers at home spend more hours per week than working mothers on child care and housework, as well as more time on leisure and sleep." 

(Hm. It doesn't feel like I get more sleep or leisure.) :)  

"Time use also varies among different groups of mothers at home: Married stay-at-home mothers put more time into child care and less into leisure than their single counterparts." 

Ah, there you go. 

"Overall, mothers at home spend 18 hours a week on child care^,compared with 11 hours for working mothers, a seven-hour difference." 

Wow, that's a 7 hour difference! I have at least an average of 7 hours more a day with my little ones.  
 
 What do Americans really think about a stay at home mom? 

"Americans also continue to think that having a mother (or parent) at home is best for a child. In a recent Pew Research survey, 60% of respondents said children are better off when a parent stays home to focus on the family, compared with 35% who said children are just as well off with working parents."


The Truth About Being A Stay At Home Mom

Staying at home has not been easy. It has been very difficult for me. Sometimes I am tired, upset and fed-up.  However, if you so decide to accept this mission, you must do some inner evaluation. Decide what as to what kind of stay at home mom you'll be most comfortable. Do you need to feel productive outside of running and managing a home, caring for children, etc?  I did. I needed something else to do because I came out of a high pressure career.  I needed to focus my brain in a different way throughout the week. You know, the nice thing is I make my decisions about what I want to invest my brain in outside of my children and if I need rest, I get it; I can choose not to work on a specific project.

Do you need to be out and about a lot? At first I did. Then make provision for that so the adjustment will go well. My friend and now mom of three shared with me once that she makes drive through errands during the week sometimes just get out of the house. That makes her feel better. So, don't feel guilty and trapped, just go out for a bit!  What a wonderful little thing to do to discourage cabin fever. 

Plan a babysitter. Even the most loving moms need a break sometimes and being a stay at home mom means you never leave your job and go home! Plan to go out as much as you need and as often as you can. Even if it's just to drive to the Sonic for happy hour, getting out by yourself can help!


Do you need a high level of adult contact; are you a social bug? Joining a moms group in your area, a bible study or a gym is a good idea. Or, find a friend who would like to walk with you or who you can meet for coffee once a week when your husband is home with the kids. If this works for you, those are easy ways to have adult conversations during the week.
  I hope I was able to guide you in your decision a little! It's tough. Follow the steps! Talk to your husband. Pray. Research. Prepare. Wait and see what God has for you!